A crazy month

I have been MIA for about a month here on my blog and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at all the catching up I need to do here.

So much has happened in such short amount of time. Many of you already know, but my Mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last month. If you know me in "real life", you know how much my Mom means to me. She is not only my Mom, but she is my best friend.

She went in for a physical and her doctor felt something in her stomach area. She went in for an ultrasound and we found out that it was a tumor that was attached to ovary. It was very large in size and her doctor suggested a complete hysterectomy. She went in for surgery to have it removed. Prior to the surgery, her doctor told us that it could go either way. He couldn't tell by feeling it or seeing it in an ultrasound whether or not it was malignant or benign, so he would do a biopsy during surgery and if in fact it did come back malignant, he would then do other biopsies of surrounding areas. Even knowing the possibilities of it being cancer, I just didn't allow myself to go there. I didn't prepare myself or even think about it, I just couldn't...I wanted to be positive for my Mom and I just didn't want to get upset if there wasn't anything to be upset about. My Mom knew it was cancer, she knew before she even had the surgery that it was cancer. She told me the day before but I still didn't want to believe it. Our worst fears were confirmed when the doctor broke the news to us. It was in fact a malignant tumor.... He felt like it was encapsulated, which was a good sign. He said that he was confidant that he got gotten it all, but that we would have to wait for the pathology report to know whether or not it had spread. After surgery she was on morphine in the hospital, since it's a narcotic, she didn't really feel any real emotions at first. Probably because she didn't even know where she was. Once she got out of the hospital, reality set in. She had been doing great physically recovering from the surgery. Since the cancer that she has was an aggressive, fast growing cancer, they want to treat it rather aggressively. They don't want to take the chance that it would come back. So she starts chemo on Thursday. She is really trying hard to readjust her thinking on chemo, at first she thought of it as poison. She thought of all the horrible things it was going to do to her, but she wasn't thinking of all the great things it is going to do also. She is learning to embrace it for now and she knows now that it's necessary. The pathology report came back stage 1 level C. Thank God! That just means that it was contained to that one area and hadn't spread at all. However...the level C part is what we have to worry about. This means that she had cells floating around in there that tested positive as well. Which means there were/are cells in there that could be cancerous. This is where the chemo comes into play. I am scared to see my Mom go through such a horrible thing, but I am also optimistic for the future and know how much I want/need my Mom here.

I love my Mom so much, I always have and always will...BUT this has really made me appreciate her and love her more. I just know how fragile and temporary life here is, and I want to savor and take in all that I have with my family. It has stirred something in me and i have felt such a strong desire to protect her and make her feel loved and secure. I would literally do ANYTHING if it would mean she would be better.

Mom, even though this isn't the way we would have chosen, somehow someway WE WILL get through this. You are the best Grammie to our babies and they love you so much and have a bond with you that can never be broken. Stay strong and I will be strong for you. You inspire me daily to be a better Mom and person, thank you for all you have given me.... Love you!